may 12, 2015; flying to new york

Things Candice couldn't stop thinking about on the plane: She should have just come for work and not made a big deal about seeing him. Why was she so nervous? Obviously he wanted to see her because he could have easily said he didn't have any free time. He could have said he would see her at the party Thursday. Why was she so hesitant to just say they were dating? It was kind of like they were dating. Casually dating from across the country. Casually thinking about the feeling of his fingers on the small of her back, across the ticklish spot by her neck, cupped under her chin. Casually saying things like that they miss each other. Very casual.

She might have grown up in Texas but it didn't take long for her to become "very LA." Get your nails done, drink your green protein smoothie, complain about the cold, only wear open toed shoes, softened by the sunshine LA. He, on the other hand, was a musician, a theater actor, creative and sarcastic wrapped in smooth casing where nothing sticks to you New York. And he probably dated small blond girls that could improvise on the spot or hipsters with ombre hair and matching thick-framed glasses or girls with soulful voices that could play the guitar and certainly not girls like Candice.

She was getting ahead of herself but that was bound to happen on a nearly six hour flight. There was a lot of time for thinking, over-thinking, re-thinking. The plan: New York for a couple days, England for a couple days, then back to LA for two months. Maybe a trip to Texas in there, if her mom begged her enough. Back to Van City by the end of July. They would really have to nail it down by then, she thought. Though, once again, this was all on her. She was the one who didn't want to talk about it. She was the one who was hesitant, was worried about it being weird for everyone else. She was being hypocritical. Don't tell anyone but I don't care if anyone knows. Don't tell anyone but I already told Danielle, who you work with very closely. Be yourself, I don't care what anyone thinks. But also I'm worried about expectations and opinions of other people. God, she was a bitch.

Things she couldn't stop thinking about: Should she kiss him? Like when she first saw him, as a form of greeting? She didn't really know the rules for that. She was kind of making it up as she went, trying not to think everything to death before it even happened. Obviously that was going well for her. She had this crazy idea that however they greeted after four weeks would be a significant signal. What if she waited for him and he waited for her and instead they landed in the space where nothing happens? Where they both tiptoe around what they really want in an effort to keep things normal. She would just do it -- that's what she wanted after all. If it was weird, she would just have to deal with it like an adult.

Worst case scenario: He turns his head so she kisses his cheek. Her mom used to say "Think of something absolutely ridiculous. The worst thing that could happen that's just too crazy." Worser case scenario: He holds his arms out in front of him to physically stop her from getting close to him. He laughs, "You thought I liked you?"

Yeah, that was pretty unlikely. She was pretty confident they were still on the same page. They talked every day, after all. They talked about seeing each other. He didn't have to say any of that stuff. She could deal with a little bit of uncertainty that was bound to happen due to the distance. But overall, she kind of hoped this too short trip cleared up a lot of things for her.